i have been thinking lately of moving to mojave and buying maybe a small condo where i can listen to Beefheart, Zappa and their erstwhile colleague, Ace Farren Ford. if i did i would dress in the style of the people and i would shave one half of my head and dye the other side pink. i would wear feathers and a stove pipe hat. i would wear a silk cravat with a diamond pin and walk up and down the sidewalk brandishing a silver handled ebony cane. i would call my self the 'EMIGREE' and i would chatter in old style english calling folks 'SIR' and 'MADAM'. i might even eat fruit. i would drink pots of coffee, the sort like 'mama used to make' as i have never drunk tea like mother used to make because, quite frankly my dears, mothers tea is fucking awful. but i would drink the coffee and eat only apple pie, although i cannot think of anything less american and more english than apple pie. BUT I WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT THE QUEEN. i would wear pants with red, white and blue stripes and i would watch old repeats of the 'I LOVE LUCY SHOW'. (even if desi arness was a mexican!) and maybe 'THE FLINTSTONES'. i would only read DC as MARVEL is crap (except for THE XMEN WHICH IS GOOD). i would want to have children by a half breed indian woman with razor blade cheek bones and bronze titties. we would call our offspring RUSTY GATE DAWN and DOG EATING BACON. i would drive a MUSTANG just like STEVE and i would drink more coffee. i might even eat some fruit. and then i will trap a vinageroo and drop it into some old widows window box for a laugh. if you get bitten by a vinageroo it turns your taste buds sour so that everthing tastes like vinager which would only remind me of england and chips. fat chips not french fries. and on sundays we would drive for miles in my beaten up and dusty old mustang. the roads in america go on for centuries and you can see the face of RONALD REGAN carved into the sandy plains of california. i would not vote for ARNIE as he is an ASSWIPE. i would be a democrat but only if i get to screw hilary clinton ( i hear she is a game old bird). i don't know if california has a flag but if it does i would burn it because that is the cool thing to do. i would play GRATEFUL DEAD records.
moving to california
Posted by Russell Duffy